Can't it be both? [a brief, humorless laugh.] It's strange... Skulduggery believes that, in time, I'll develop something like the human capacity to feel remorse for my actions. I can't say I've done much more than humor him... But, I feel that, if I did, I wouldn't declare my past dead. And I feel that because I know for a fact that that's something I would absolutely do right now.
[when a game isn't fun anymore, it was never fun. when get tired of a toy, you didn't like it to begin with. and when other people don't like the things you've done, you were never the person who did those things.]
I'll never be able to fully forgive myself for the things I've done, no matter how the situation also frames me as a victim. My guilt didn't make my targets less dead. And my remorse wasn't enough to allow me to stop. I can't even really lie and claim that I thought I was secretly a hero.
So no, I'd never declare my past dead, that's an insult to those I hurt. It's a fundamental part of me. Or say I'm somebody else just because I don't like myself much. I am Ava. And I am Ghost. But I like to think I'm at least... a better version of me, here. Than where I started. And I think you can figure that out too. It's just a... very shitty, painful process.
But if you were to kill me. Right now. Not just until tomorrow, but completely. Would you miss me, even a little bit?
And not even the fun kind of pain... [so like why even bother.
pauses, cocks head.]
... If I were to know for certain that you would never be at my door again, I would feel as if I were as if I were being denied something. Is that missing someone?
Yeah, a bit like that. Knowing that it's by your own doing, not just vanishing into the Nothing or me simply choosing not to visit. Before you even factor in how Skulduggery might react. If there's any part of you that recognizes you wouldn't want to do that, knowing you couldn't take it back...
... Though I'm highly overvaluing my importance in this scenario. And there's nothing you'd really have to gain either. So it's an easy enough choice not to do it.
Yeah. I guess it wasn't a good example. But Malcolm told me that's what differentiated me from say, the serial killers he investigated. [picks her squishmallow up off the floor.]
But. Is that what prevents you from even imagining what a happy ending might look like for you, then?
Hm. [offers out the squishmallow] Want to borrow Catduggery for a few days? He's not bugged, don't worry I checked. [literally the only one that worries about these things. other than 6. so.]
[nods, has a few other plushes she was given, can survive without for a bit.] Take good care of him, please. He's very special to me. I wouldn't give him to just anyone.
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... is this about you? Or about the slaver?
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[when a game isn't fun anymore, it was never fun. when get tired of a toy, you didn't like it to begin with. and when other people don't like the things you've done, you were never the person who did those things.]
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So no, I'd never declare my past dead, that's an insult to those I hurt. It's a fundamental part of me. Or say I'm somebody else just because I don't like myself much. I am Ava. And I am Ghost. But I like to think I'm at least... a better version of me, here. Than where I started. And I think you can figure that out too. It's just a... very shitty, painful process.
But if you were to kill me. Right now. Not just until tomorrow, but completely. Would you miss me, even a little bit?
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pauses, cocks head.]
... If I were to know for certain that you would never be at my door again, I would feel as if I were as if I were being denied something. Is that missing someone?
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Yeah, a bit like that. Knowing that it's by your own doing, not just vanishing into the Nothing or me simply choosing not to visit. Before you even factor in how Skulduggery might react. If there's any part of you that recognizes you wouldn't want to do that, knowing you couldn't take it back...
... Though I'm highly overvaluing my importance in this scenario. And there's nothing you'd really have to gain either. So it's an easy enough choice not to do it.
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But. Is that what prevents you from even imagining what a happy ending might look like for you, then?
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Yes.
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I will return him.
[y'know, eventually.]
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[takes new son, waves goodbye with ear bc he don't go no arms.]
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