Because that's not what you're doing. Unless you have somehow developed the self-awareness necessary to recognize that when you say "things," you mean "the guilty conscience of Darcy LeJeune."
Weirdly enough, guilt is a thing that happens when normal people do a bad thing. You feel guilty, so you fix what you've done and don't do it again. Yes, I feel bad about it, because I'm trying not to be such a huge fucking cunt all the time, and I was genuinely trying to help. Surprisingly. I'm guessing guilt is one of those emotions you're still learning.
Hm. And we return to the start once again, don't we. [a thin smile] Perhaps it's just my ignorance of human emotions, but I'm failing to see how "wiping your memory" or "wanting to be killed" fix what you did. I just see how they would make you feel better about it.
[the smile widens]
And I don't think you get to have that yet. That doesn't fix anything, either. But it does make me feel better.
[ Oh. Gestures vaguely and then rubs the back of her neck. ]
I was cruel to you. That's what it comes down to, even beyond doing dumb shit with sensitive information, and even if I didn't mean it, whatever. I'm sorry that I hurt you. That's what I'm asking forgiveness for. I don't want to keep fighting you forever, I defended you to people before I fucked up because-
[ Reaches into her pocket and withdraws the cool knife. ]
I wanted to believe there was more to you. And I was grateful for you giving the knife back. I am still grateful for it. I don't want absolution, I just want to atone, and then I'll fuck off.
No, I didn't. Like- did I mean to get under your skin, yes, obviously, but I didn't mean it-mean it. I could've tried to come at you with anything, but nothing else would've worked. You don't really give a shit about anything other than yourself, it's the only way to make you care about anything.
I'll admit, I am curious to know whether you can actually get through an apology without amending it, but, even grading on a scale, you haven't done the latter at all.
Because you won't tell me what you want me to do to fix it, and apparently all the ideas I thought of on my own are selfish.
[ Places both hands over her face. ]
This is exactly what I meant- nobody can get you to do anything. It's like an ant trying to apologise to someone- you don't give enough of a shit about any of us for it to matter at all. This is probably just- more fucking entertainment for you.
They don't mean nothing to me, and I'm not trying to un-happen it.
[ Hands still on her face, looking through her fingers directly upwards. ]
Okay. I fucking hate you. I meant to hurt you because I thought we'd benefit from it. You've given me very little reason to give a shit about you beyond Skulduggery's sake and what benefit helping you can bring to the rest of us. I'm not a good person. But I'm trying to set things right anyway. I don't want to be cruel anymore, even to people I hate.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[the smile widens]
And I don't think you get to have that yet. That doesn't fix anything, either. But it does make me feel better.
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[ Darcy pinches at the bridge of her nose. ]
Can you forgive me? Is that in the realm of possibility here?
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[a long pause]
I have no desire to absolve you. And I've yet to be shown any reason to do so. I'm not even entirely sure what you want forgiveness for, specifically.
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I was cruel to you. That's what it comes down to, even beyond doing dumb shit with sensitive information, and even if I didn't mean it, whatever. I'm sorry that I hurt you. That's what I'm asking forgiveness for. I don't want to keep fighting you forever, I defended you to people before I fucked up because-
[ Reaches into her pocket and withdraws the cool knife. ]
I wanted to believe there was more to you. And I was grateful for you giving the knife back. I am still grateful for it. I don't want absolution, I just want to atone, and then I'll fuck off.
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[he leans forward slightly.]
You need to come to terms with the fact that you did mean it. That could be a start.
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Alright. Fine. Apparently I meant it. I'm sorry.
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I'm sorry for deliberately and on-purpose fucking with you by using something you're sensitive about against you.
[ Raises both eyebrows back. ]
I'm a cunt. Since apparently you know everything about me this shouldn't be surprising.
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[ Not quite slammed, but her priest did eventually start opening with 'what is it this time?' ]
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[ Places both hands over her face. ]
This is exactly what I meant- nobody can get you to do anything. It's like an ant trying to apologise to someone- you don't give enough of a shit about any of us for it to matter at all. This is probably just- more fucking entertainment for you.
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[a pause]
I could tell you that I accept your apology. And it would mean just as much as your apologies do. Nothing.
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[ Hands still on her face, looking through her fingers directly upwards. ]
Okay. I fucking hate you. I meant to hurt you because I thought we'd benefit from it. You've given me very little reason to give a shit about you beyond Skulduggery's sake and what benefit helping you can bring to the rest of us. I'm not a good person. But I'm trying to set things right anyway. I don't want to be cruel anymore, even to people I hate.
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Now. Was that so hard?
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[ But hey, it's still a start. ]
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Okay. Now what.
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Nothing.
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