Ah, that's true. [forming a very cute mental picture in her mind of him marchwaddling along.] What's his name? Or is it too Norwegian to pronounce? [she's pretty sure that's one of the languages where the letters look keyboard smashed.]
Mmn, I figured out it's not really a function of the rest of my abili- shh, science. [smiles, clearly teasing. has absolutely no physics explanation for how this works.] Is it? I thought plenty of people could fly.
... [considers. storybooks, huh. a lazy little twirl.] Neat.
So I didn't steal it off anyone? Because that's what [pause, wrinkles her nose] the slaver told me she did. Caught powers off another passenger. Is that common? Am I going to become infectious? [asking because she doesn't want her shittyass quantum condition rubbing off on anyone. like Fio or Peter or... what the fuck would it do to Max? glitch him out beyond function?
Sometimes, magic can be a bit of a... [waves hand vaguely] folie à deux situation. I wouldn't worry about it.
[a particularly unkind smile] And I wouldn't give much attention to what that one says. Many who arrive here come to the completely incorrect conclusion that this reality follows the rules of their own, but it's rare to find one so aggressively obstinate about being wrong.
I certainly trust you more than I do her. [so will try to take 'infecting others' off her list of things to worry about, comes up with new ones by the hour anyway.]
Probably better that she remains uncorrected. [enjoys letting people be wrong rather than providing them with more information to further their agendas. mostly didn't like her mentioning Maximilien as a thing to factor in or figure out.]
[that's quite a topic pivot, but she understands wanting to get away from Erin completely. usually he lets her lead the conversation, so actually bringing up his own question... one that feels this important, is surprising enough that she's momentarily more hung up on that than a possible answer.]
Hm. Hiram get old? [peers a bit closely, trying to get a vibe.] I like Casimir.
Now, let's say Casimir leaves this reality. Goes to a new one. Lives an entirely different life from the one he'd had before. No magic. No servitors. Maybe he becomes an accountant. Gets married. Learns to play the accordion. Things of that nature.
Can't it be both? [a brief, humorless laugh.] It's strange... Skulduggery believes that, in time, I'll develop something like the human capacity to feel remorse for my actions. I can't say I've done much more than humor him... But, I feel that, if I did, I wouldn't declare my past dead. And I feel that because I know for a fact that that's something I would absolutely do right now.
[when a game isn't fun anymore, it was never fun. when get tired of a toy, you didn't like it to begin with. and when other people don't like the things you've done, you were never the person who did those things.]
I'll never be able to fully forgive myself for the things I've done, no matter how the situation also frames me as a victim. My guilt didn't make my targets less dead. And my remorse wasn't enough to allow me to stop. I can't even really lie and claim that I thought I was secretly a hero.
So no, I'd never declare my past dead, that's an insult to those I hurt. It's a fundamental part of me. Or say I'm somebody else just because I don't like myself much. I am Ava. And I am Ghost. But I like to think I'm at least... a better version of me, here. Than where I started. And I think you can figure that out too. It's just a... very shitty, painful process.
But if you were to kill me. Right now. Not just until tomorrow, but completely. Would you miss me, even a little bit?
And not even the fun kind of pain... [so like why even bother.
pauses, cocks head.]
... If I were to know for certain that you would never be at my door again, I would feel as if I were as if I were being denied something. Is that missing someone?
Yeah, a bit like that. Knowing that it's by your own doing, not just vanishing into the Nothing or me simply choosing not to visit. Before you even factor in how Skulduggery might react. If there's any part of you that recognizes you wouldn't want to do that, knowing you couldn't take it back...
... Though I'm highly overvaluing my importance in this scenario. And there's nothing you'd really have to gain either. So it's an easy enough choice not to do it.
Yeah. I guess it wasn't a good example. But Malcolm told me that's what differentiated me from say, the serial killers he investigated. [picks her squishmallow up off the floor.]
But. Is that what prevents you from even imagining what a happy ending might look like for you, then?
Hm. [offers out the squishmallow] Want to borrow Catduggery for a few days? He's not bugged, don't worry I checked. [literally the only one that worries about these things. other than 6. so.]
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... Another magic system integrated. Fascinating.
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Mmn, I figured out it's not really a function of the rest of my abili- shh, science. [smiles, clearly teasing. has absolutely no physics explanation for how this works.] Is it? I thought plenty of people could fly.
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So I didn't steal it off anyone? Because that's what [pause, wrinkles her nose] the slaver told me she did. Caught powers off another passenger. Is that common? Am I going to become infectious? [asking because she doesn't want her shittyass quantum condition rubbing off on anyone. like Fio or Peter or... what the fuck would it do to Max? glitch him out beyond function?
lands a bit roughly on her feet.]
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[a particularly unkind smile] And I wouldn't give much attention to what that one says. Many who arrive here come to the completely incorrect conclusion that this reality follows the rules of their own, but it's rare to find one so aggressively obstinate about being wrong.
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Probably better that she remains uncorrected. [enjoys letting people be wrong rather than providing them with more information to further their agendas. mostly didn't like her mentioning Maximilien as a thing to factor in or figure out.]
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[a short pause]
If you were to give me a name, what would it be?
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Hm. Hiram get old? [peers a bit closely, trying to get a vibe.] I like Casimir.
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[just wanted to get that out there. moving on.]
Now, let's say Casimir leaves this reality. Goes to a new one. Lives an entirely different life from the one he'd had before. No magic. No servitors. Maybe he becomes an accountant. Gets married. Learns to play the accordion. Things of that nature.
Are Casimir and the Captain different people?
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... Does Casimir remember being the Captain, and make decisions based on past experiences from this reality?
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[babygirl you barely make decisions based on anything.]
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People can change. They cannot change into other people. Anyone who tells you any different is trying to sell you something.
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... is this about you? Or about the slaver?
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[when a game isn't fun anymore, it was never fun. when get tired of a toy, you didn't like it to begin with. and when other people don't like the things you've done, you were never the person who did those things.]
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So no, I'd never declare my past dead, that's an insult to those I hurt. It's a fundamental part of me. Or say I'm somebody else just because I don't like myself much. I am Ava. And I am Ghost. But I like to think I'm at least... a better version of me, here. Than where I started. And I think you can figure that out too. It's just a... very shitty, painful process.
But if you were to kill me. Right now. Not just until tomorrow, but completely. Would you miss me, even a little bit?
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pauses, cocks head.]
... If I were to know for certain that you would never be at my door again, I would feel as if I were as if I were being denied something. Is that missing someone?
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Yeah, a bit like that. Knowing that it's by your own doing, not just vanishing into the Nothing or me simply choosing not to visit. Before you even factor in how Skulduggery might react. If there's any part of you that recognizes you wouldn't want to do that, knowing you couldn't take it back...
... Though I'm highly overvaluing my importance in this scenario. And there's nothing you'd really have to gain either. So it's an easy enough choice not to do it.
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But. Is that what prevents you from even imagining what a happy ending might look like for you, then?
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Yes.
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