Everyone's scared to die. That's hardly new information. And why would I waste my time even thinking about anyone that isn't of use to me in the first place.
[it hits her as hard as being called useless by Clarke. it's a reminder that SHIELD was ready to do the same. use her until she became nothing. Ava shakes her head, not quite ready to give up.]
Even in death, people want to matter, and no matter how many times I'm told to just... forget, I can't. Our value is more than what use we serve, we're more than resources to exploit. We don't have to repeat the mistakes of all the worlds you pulled us from. All those worlds fail for a reason.
You were worth more, and so was I, despite what anyone tried to reduce us to. And that's why I want to help you, it's why I view you as more than the monster the rest of them see. Why I keep your secrets, and have no desire to control nor manipulate you... or threaten such. Because I care, and I worry. I know last month you felt... hopeless, and I know how consuming that self-defeat can be.
But you're not alone and things can be different, if we allow new approaches. I don't want you to give up, not on yourself or what you've created here. And even if the answer is no, if there's truly no solution... I still believe it's worth considering.
[he grows silent and sullen as she speaks, focusing his attention entirely on fiddling with the cuff of his jacket. when she stops, he doesn't look up from it.]
[this isn't an outright rejection, and she glances up and away again, not wanting to stare him down. not wanting to come off demanding, or that she's putting him on the spot with her request.]
I don't know, religion always promises so much and I've never believed it was meant for me. But all I want is a sense of peace? I... can't pretend to have any of the answers. Just knowing what I do. That I'm terrified of how it is now.
But what if we think of something else to believe? Would that threaten how this reality functions? I know you said you weren't interested in the other responsibilities of being a God. But I think having a solid foundation to build upon is the first step toward it.
... is it because you can't picture something better, or you don't want to? Because I think if you're at least open to the idea. Maybe you can. If it's something worth believing in.
What would you suggest I believe in instead? Awaiting my turn for Nothing? The impossibility of going back to a place I hated anyway? Defeating you and ending this existence? I have no interest in any of that.
Besides. I'm supporting Skulduggery in his pursuits.
I think it means if I had a shovel, I'm supposed to bring it to talk with you. But I don't so we can just pretend I did, for the sake of his honor. [giggle]
immediately looks up at her with an expression of complete incomprehension. and yes maybe that fully gives away that he's been blushing but what the FUCK does that even mean.]
[omg, fingertips over her mouth, trying to hide a grin at how absolutely cute this is and that she was RIGHT the Captain is SHY.]
Ah. It's my understanding. That's the obligation of a best friend. When one enters into... you know, a new relationship. I'm not sure what it entails other than a shovel and talking.
... Skulduggery is probably threatening Peter with a skull bashing right this moment, I bet. [fondly, of them both]
[will not recommend talking to Sharky, especially since the poor guy is really going Through It right now]
It's... new to me. Never really went through that stage, growing up, nobody ever talked to me about it. Didn't think anyone would ever see me that way, be able to look past my... condition, even if I could meet anyone. Hard when they label your existence top secret. Never thought even if I'd somehow trust anyone enough to touch me, that it would feel good, when I was so used to everything just... hurting.
A lot of it's still really confusing and I am really worried about messing up, or... having him realize how messed up I actually am. But talking about it's helped. Figure out how I feel and what I want and... make it less scary.
[it's strange, he thinks. to have your own life repeated back to you as someone else's. maybe that's what empathy is. something he's only read in stories.]
... Remembering was an impossible task. The truth is... debilitating. This sense that every day is just one more step towards the inevitable... I couldn't bear its weight and continue existence at the same time. And, so, I would make myself forget.
[...]
And yet, here we are. Over a month into it. And I wouldn't want to lose a second of it. I want to remember everything.
[sympathetic hmming, she's heard plenty through Skulduggery's reports, and has come to a lot of her own tentative conclusions about the Captain and his experiences and his motivations. but it's different hearing it through him directly. still, she thinks he's easy enough to understand, without all the straining she has to do with most of the other passengers.]
Even when I managed to escape, I didn't feel free. Every day was a struggle just to get up, to survive, and all I had was my pain to motivate me. But eventually I realized that for all that effort and exhaustion, I didn't even have much of a life worth saving. But I was still too terrified to just. Get ripped into nothing. I got mean, and desperate, and hated myself all the more for it.
And now I'm here, with a chance I never thought I deserved. And you're here, not wanting to be thanked for that. And neither of us want to lose Skulduggery.
Clarke once accused me of being like you. Just not sure this is the way she expected.
I don't see why you should thank a person for something they didn't do. I wasn't the one that gave you that, after all. But, I suppose it's hard to thank random chance. That's why people created gods in the first place.
[a faint grin] How convenient. There's at least seven insults already baked into that single comparison.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Even in death, people want to matter, and no matter how many times I'm told to just... forget, I can't. Our value is more than what use we serve, we're more than resources to exploit. We don't have to repeat the mistakes of all the worlds you pulled us from. All those worlds fail for a reason.
You were worth more, and so was I, despite what anyone tried to reduce us to. And that's why I want to help you, it's why I view you as more than the monster the rest of them see. Why I keep your secrets, and have no desire to control nor manipulate you... or threaten such. Because I care, and I worry. I know last month you felt... hopeless, and I know how consuming that self-defeat can be.
But you're not alone and things can be different, if we allow new approaches. I don't want you to give up, not on yourself or what you've created here. And even if the answer is no, if there's truly no solution... I still believe it's worth considering.
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What do you think should happen, when you die.
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I don't know, religion always promises so much and I've never believed it was meant for me. But all I want is a sense of peace? I... can't pretend to have any of the answers. Just knowing what I do. That I'm terrified of how it is now.
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[beat]
So, nothing does.
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[he says, like that's obvious.]
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And I believe in you.
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What would you suggest I believe in instead? Awaiting my turn for Nothing? The impossibility of going back to a place I hated anyway? Defeating you and ending this existence? I have no interest in any of that.
Besides. I'm supporting Skulduggery in his pursuits.
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[man his sleeve is just so fucking interesting it is occupying 150% of his attention--]
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immediately looks up at her with an expression of complete incomprehension. and yes maybe that fully gives away that he's been blushing but what the FUCK does that even mean.]
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Ah. It's my understanding. That's the obligation of a best friend. When one enters into... you know, a new relationship. I'm not sure what it entails other than a shovel and talking.
... Skulduggery is probably threatening Peter with a skull bashing right this moment, I bet. [fondly, of them both]
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[absolutely the most fascinating sleeve that has ever existed let us return all attention to that right now and nothing else.]
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...
...]
Mhhm...
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Oh. Oh, sorry. I promise he didn't share any details. I... just thought you might like somebody to talk about it. But we can change the subject.
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[his voice cracks on the word. he's silent for a moment, waving a hand vaguely.]
I wouldn't even know how to even begin talking about... such things...
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It's... new to me. Never really went through that stage, growing up, nobody ever talked to me about it. Didn't think anyone would ever see me that way, be able to look past my... condition, even if I could meet anyone. Hard when they label your existence top secret. Never thought even if I'd somehow trust anyone enough to touch me, that it would feel good, when I was so used to everything just... hurting.
A lot of it's still really confusing and I am really worried about messing up, or... having him realize how messed up I actually am. But talking about it's helped. Figure out how I feel and what I want and... make it less scary.
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... Remembering was an impossible task. The truth is... debilitating. This sense that every day is just one more step towards the inevitable... I couldn't bear its weight and continue existence at the same time. And, so, I would make myself forget.
[...]
And yet, here we are. Over a month into it. And I wouldn't want to lose a second of it. I want to remember everything.
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Even when I managed to escape, I didn't feel free. Every day was a struggle just to get up, to survive, and all I had was my pain to motivate me. But eventually I realized that for all that effort and exhaustion, I didn't even have much of a life worth saving. But I was still too terrified to just. Get ripped into nothing. I got mean, and desperate, and hated myself all the more for it.
And now I'm here, with a chance I never thought I deserved. And you're here, not wanting to be thanked for that. And neither of us want to lose Skulduggery.
Clarke once accused me of being like you. Just not sure this is the way she expected.
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[a faint grin] How convenient. There's at least seven insults already baked into that single comparison.
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